Memorial Day Weekend is a great time for visiting family and for events. Sweetie and I spent some time in Phoenix at the wedding of Landon and Natalie.
Since I'm a step-grandmother, I've only know my grandson Landon since he was in high school. He's always been an extrovert, by all accounts, and he brings a lot of light and joy into people's lives at the same time. Sweetie and I have bedrooms in the farmhouse for family. Landon and girlfriend Natalie stopped here for a night in each direction last fall when they were traveling from Phoenix to Oregon and then back. They were going there for Thanksgiving with his mother and brother and step-father. At that time Landon told us that they were almost engaged. Soon after, they announced their engagement and asked us to save the date for their wedding. They are a wonderful couple and seem to be well suited as well as very much in love.
The wedding was a few days ago, held at the church in Phoenix where Natalie's dad is pastor and Landon is in charge of Youth Ministry and at least some of the music. Dozens of their fellow church members transformed the church gym into a beautiful reception venue. The wedding itself was held in the inspiring church. Natalie's father both walked her down the aisle and conducted the ceremony. First grandson River was best man and youngest grandson Raine was a groomsman. That last was unfortunate, because while serving as groomsman, Raine was told, in front of all the other groomsmen right before the wedding, that he was an unbeliever, which in this conservative church is apparently close to being a devil. He was then expected to stand up at the wedding, which he did a good job of, and to spend the evening with these men he had been denounced to. We were also denounced as unbelievers by the bride's father during the wedding, but I foolishly assumed that there were multiple unbeliever sets of guests as there often would be at a wedding.
Because the groom's side of the family included a number of step-parents and half siblings as modern families often do, it was an interesting mix. Lots of group photos in the hot sun in the church garden, including one we were part of where we really didn't know half the people...all related to my daughter's husband's family. Aaron was in the picture, too, plus his three sons and K, his wife, and us. I'm not too happy with his oldest son because he probably spent a total of five minutes with us during the two days we were there, despite the fact that we were seated a few feet away for hours during the evening of the wedding. My guess is that he was just following the lead of the pastor even though he wasn't a member of the congregation.
I would love to say that the weekend was delightful, but the reality is that except for window dressing moments like the photos, we were shunned. Even during the photos it was happening. We sat next to Natalie's grandparents, whom we had been introduced to by Aaron right before the wedding itself. When we tried to sit by them while it wasn't our turn, during the photo session, they got up and walked away. Another time we were sitting in the lobby while the gym was being readied for the evening part of the day and no one talked to us. Those we did try to talk to walked away. Turns out that we were perceived to be 'unbelievers' and that, apparently, trumps manners in this conservative church. We never did meet the father of the bride/pastor. Our daughter was there longer at the dinner after rehearsals and he never said a word to her, either. The pastor's wife whispered a 'thank you for hosting our daughter at Thanksgiving' as she passed by after taking our video wishing the couple well. Looked like she was afraid that she might be seen breaking the shunning.
Still, we are happy for our grandson and his bride. He was raised in a conservative religion and is immersed in this one. I doubt that he even knew that virtually no one spoke to any of us. Our son-in-law did go over and interact with his family members (also very conservative churchgoers), and when we left there were some hugs, mostly outside and away from most of the guests, but otherwise we were observers in a crowd of over 300 church goers who studiously ignored us. At one point when our son-in-law's family left because his Mom was worn out, I mentioned to one of the women standing by their table that they weren't returning, so the table and chairs were free to sit at (people were standing along the wall at this point because there weren't enough seats) and she looked startled that I had spoken to her, uncomfortable that I had, and she did thank me...but no smile and she didn't sit down right away but looked around with a bit of an anxious look on her face. I guess I broke through the shunning and she wasn't sure that it was OK to listen to me.
Highlights include a really wonderful song that Landon composed and sang to his bride, a beautiful choreographed dance the bride and groom did, followed by a dance Landon did with his mom that was lively and fun to music that included 'she's my Mom!' The Mexican food dinner was delicious. An interesting experience but one I hope to not ever repeat.
Note: This addition is written in mid-August. The oldest grandson is now getting married. He probably doesn't understand how hurtful his behavior was at his brother's wedding. He invited us to his wedding. As it turns out, we already had friends coming to stay in our farmhouse that weekend, so we are not able to attend, but I'm not sure that we would anyway, even though we love our grandson as a grandson. It would be really painful to experience him at his wedding as less a grandson and more the believer that allowed for terrible behavior towards those perceived as unbelievers...or any other "Other". Maybe all I have to be is someone who was a hippie on a houseboat in San Francisco Bay in the 70s to become an unwelcome guest? We'll never know.
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